At some point in my motherhood journey, I had convinced myself that to be the best mom I could be I had to give up everything that made me who I was before I had kids. I told myself that being a good mom meant spending every waking second that I possibly could with my children; devoting myself entirely to their happiness instead of my own. Being a good mom meant I had to give up girls nights, weekday beers, cussing and any type of spontaneity.

Let me be clear: I did not give up all of those things (especially beer … and cussing), but the guilt that surrounded me when I did go out or spend time away from them wasn’t even worth me doing the things that I loved. Sure, we would go out and I would have a good time and mingle with friends, but on the inside I was crumbling. I kept thinking to myself, “If I was a good mom, I’d be home with my kids.” The funny thing was, I didn’t think that about my own friends. In my eyes they were great moms who really had it together, but still went out and had fun. Why didn’t I give myself the same slack?

We’ve all heard the expression, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” To me that was one of those cheesy sayings from a poster in a therapist’s office. You know, the ones with some majestic sunset over a lake in the mountains? Well, mamas, hear me now: you cannot, should not and will not be able to pour from an empty cup.

Whatever you can do to take care of yourself, please do. If that’s locking yourself in the bathroom to take a hot bath, getting a massage, going for walks, headbanging to some Metallica or going to happy hour on Thursdays … whatever it may be, you have to do it. Do it not just for yourself, but also for your husband and your kids.

This is still a work in progress for me, as I’m sure it is for many of you. So … let’s start holding one another accountable for self-care. Text your friends once a week and ask them “What have you done to fill your cup this week?” And if they tell you they haven’t, then consider that an invitation to bring over a bottle of wine and watch some trash TV. And if they tell you they don’t like trash TV, they’re lying. Everyone does.