Under the Wire

Years ago, a wonderfully cranky old lady, Clara Petter, became famous for asking the question, “Where’s the Beef?” After years of well-known TV and movie stars proclaiming the virtues of my favorite main course, “Where’s the Beef” still ranks high in our memories.

With all due respect to Clara and admittedly also without her permission if she is still with us, I am going to plagiarize her with a new, more relevant question, “Where’s the Toilet Paper?” I must admit, after writing “Under The Wire” for nearly 35 years, cranking out over 1,600 columns, I have never included the words “toilet paper...