The Haxtun-Fleming Herald - What can we reason but from what we know? -Alexander Pope

Dear Gary,

In a typical year my elves answer most of our letters to Santa Claus. Unfortunately, the pandemic that hit most countries across the globe has made it’s way here to the North Pole as well, leaving us very short handed. Honestly, my elf helpers are always “short” handed. Sorry, that’s an inside joke around here. My whole crew is around two and a half feet tall.

That fact has caused the COVID to hit us harder than most regions. We have adhered to all COVID restrictions and suggestions. However, we have had some unique problems develop as we try to follow the rules. First, there is the social distancing rule of staying six feet apart. In most of the world that is about the height of an average human being, making it easy to judge that distance. Here, except for Mrs. Claus and I, our average citizen is 30 inches tall. Everyone lines up with only half as much space between them as is safe.

Outside gatherings are not popular when a nice day is 36 below zero.

Then there is the mask issue. We ordered hundreds of them to protect our workers. The problem is, masks are designed for normal sized people. When our tiny elves put them on, they extend from under their chin to just above their eyebrows, covering their eyes. We have had many more hospitalizations from elves running into each other than from COVID.

In fact, we have an entirely different list of indications of a potential COVID case. Does the patient have bruises on his feet from being stepped on by other masked elves? How about a broken nose from an elf to elf collision? Is the patient emaciated from lack of eating due to: #1 — can’t figure out how to eat with a mask on? or #2 — Can’t locate the cafeteria? If the patient has none of these “symptoms” stand back. He just tested positive for “The Rona.”

This is why I am pitching in to answer as many letters as possible. I did choose yours on purpose, though. You are aware Santa knows who is “Naughty or Nice.” I’ve been keeping tabs on you and place you at the top of one of those lists. I would like to have a little chat with you about a few events this past year, beginning with …

“My apologies to our readers. Somehow we ran out of room for the rest of this letter.”

Have a very Merry Christmas and don’t be surprised if Santa comes a bit later to your chimney. He’s not having a very good year plus don’t forget, “He knows if you’ve been good or bad, so be good for goodness sale!”